Take a look at his predictions for the year ahead and plan your days accordingly (seriously, he's that good).


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Capricorn | 22nd December - 20th January

Life’s journeys aren’t carved in stone. We’re not set on one road or controlled by fate’s dark fingers. We don’t have to stay on the same track all the way to a predetermined destination, blindly accepting everything that life throws at us along the way. At least this will be your explanation anyway, as Mars enters in to your opposite sign of Cancer and you’re caught reversing up a one-way street to get a second glance at a funny looking pigeon with a goggly eye.

Talking of journeys, 2009 will be a year of self-discovery for you, brought on in the summer when, after a particularly expensive haircut, your loving pet fails to recognise you and refuses to let you in to the house, and threatens to change the locks. Shortly afterwards you’ll start attending a Yoga class. Not since you were at nursery will you have been part of a social circle where breaking wind so freely is not only tolerated, but encouraged.


Aquarius | 21st January - 18th February

With Neptune’s ongoing influence in your chart this year, one side of you is resisting love and romance, while the other wants to dive right in and cover your loved one in lard. Dealing with feelings doesn’t come easily to you though. While many people are able to express their emotions openly and comfortably, you tend to respond to intimacy by spinning round in circles and shouting “weeeeeeeeee……..”. A program of cognitive behavioural therapy may be a good start to the year.

When Uranus enters in to your sign around Easter, a sense of balance and harmony will be restored to your being, an especially welcome occurance, since each of your legs have been trying to walk in different directions since the start of the year, making it impossible to get the right bus home.


Pisces | 19th February - 20th March

2009 will be a year of laughter for you, although this isn’t necessarily a good thing. Your work colleagues in particular will start to grow weary of your constant giggling, seemingly at nothing in particular, and will request that you be moved to an office of your own. Whenever possible, try to restrict your new found sense of hilarity to inane grinning.

A new found obsession with the internet and social networking will lead to a friendship with someone in cyberspace, but there’s a good chance they’re not what they seem. After several weeks of email correspondence, you’ll soon tire of waiting for that US$1Million to be deposited in to your bank account from an African Prince (called Steve), so you’ll start a brief relationship with someone offering 250 free business cards if you order by the end of the day (coincidentally, also called Steve). Get out more if you can.


Aries | 21st March - 20th April

With Venus moving into your sign in April and with Mercury’s influence, the spring will be a time of ‘having your cake and eating it’ where matters of love are concerned. But, ironically, eating too much cake could result in the object of your affections starting to feel somewhat repulsed by your cake-covered face and rapidly expanding waistline. Probably best to hoard the cake, then sell it on ebay. Why not buy a toupe with the profits and impress your new love with a sudden change of image?

Creatively, this year, you’re on a high and running with the wolves. However, you’ll quickly need to be running from the wolves. Wolves don’t take kindly to folk running with them, unless they raised you as one of their own when you were abandoned. Wolves aside, take this opportunity to write some poetry or maybe even a book. Maybe a book about how you were raised by the wolves, if that was the case? Perhaps initially you were rejected by the pack for being different (a tear-jerker like that always sells well)? My point is, you’ll be feeling all creative and arty this year, so go with the flow.


Taurus | 21st April - 21st May

You will take up a new hobby or night class later in the year, possibly yodelling, where you will attract much attention, due in part to your dress sense. Your tight pants will also cause a work colleague to go off sick for 2 weeks.

Call your mother on her birthday. If you don’t know her number, call someone else’s mother, but don’t be offended if she won’t speak to you or refuses to do your washing. Don’t feel defeated. Instead, find inner peace by clenching and unclenching your buttocks at least twenty times.


Gemini | 22nd May - 21st June

2009 is going to be a momentous year for Geminis, and one in which you will grapple with some of life’s big questions: ‘Why are we here?’, ‘How did we get here?’, ‘Where are we going?’, ‘How will we know we are there when we get there?’, and of course, ‘Should I have got a sat nav?’

A very close friend (or possibly family member or pet) will shock and surprise you by announcing that they never really liked you, and were only coming round to see you for insurance purposes. Don’t let this put a dampener on the year. If you’re honest with yourself, you never much cared for them either.


Cancer | 22nd June - 22nd July

“We always love those who admire us”, Francois de la Rochefoucauld, the 17th century French writer observed; but “we do not always love those whom we admire”. Wise words indeed, and particularly significant to your love life during 2009. Of course, he also wrote “If you truly love someone you should follow them night and day, throwing little balls of rolled up paper at the back of their head when they’re not looking”, so take anything he writes with a pinch of salt.

With Mars toing and froing in your chart, this will be a particularly volatile year for you, and you’ll feel a need to surge in to battle with all guns blazing. But what will cause you to feel like this? Is it because you feel you’ve put up long enough and finally want to be heard? Do you feel driven to take vengeance because you’re emotionally lost and need to take control? Calm down, for goodness sake. Ten minutes bobbing up and down on a bouncy castle will soon have you feeling as right as rain.


Leo | 23rd July - 23rd August

2009 will start very slowly for you, not knowing which direction to take in life and feeling that the grass must be greener on the other side, while all around you seem to be having a whale of a time, all chirpy and full of themselves. Try not to feel resentful or left out – it’s not that they’re trying to show off, or hurt you, or make you feel small and inadequate. It’s probably just because they have a much better life than you do.

There are some good times ahead though, and when Jupiter, Mars and Venus all link, you manage to get athletes foot from a close friend. Having had this once before many years ago, you’re initially quite excited and look forward to long evenings by the fire, scratching yourself in to a frenzy – a pleasure only a true AF carrier can appreciate - only to discover that your friend had merely lent it to you for the afternoon and was demanding it back.


Virgo | 24th August - 22nd September

2009 will see your social life hotting up, particularly around Easter, with the Sun, Uranus, Venus and Mercury all in your 11th House of Friends. It’s possible that you weren’t even aware you had an 11th house, not to mention the fact that it was full of friends living it up at your expense. Make sure you collect any overdue rent. Some friends they turned out to be.

After a period of personal change during the summer months, you’ll want to share the satisfaction that moving forward can bring, and an article that you write for your local paper, entitled ‘Underpants: The Oppressor of the Middle Classes’ will cause major ripples within your social circle.


Libra | 23rd September - 23rd October

Try not to get too carried away with your finances this year. You might be confident in your ability to invest or to make a great idea into a business success, but take my word for it on this one, with no planets in air signs for a while, you wont get rich quick by giving half your life savings to some bloke called Pirate Pete who has a ‘sure-fire winner’.

On a more positive note, a well earned holiday by the sea later in the year will be the start of a life-long fascination with water. So much so in fact that from then onwards you’ll carry a small flask of sea water with you wherever you go, occasionally throwing the contents over complete strangers and shouting “WAVE!”.


Scorpio | 24th October - 22nd November

Beware of someone on roller-skates bearing gifts on the 25th May (about 2 O’clock). Their shifty eyes will make you feel uneasy and cause a sudden bout of hiccups. You may need to take a couple of weeks off work as a result, but there’ll be no lasting damage.

A tangle between Venus and Mars in your chart will turn your finances upside down, and a sudden urge to impulse buy will come over you. Your purchase of 600 Milky Bars at the local supermarket will cause a surge of panic buying in your neighbourhood, due to a fear that you know something that they don’t, possibly the onset of rationing.


Sagittarius | 23rd November - 21st December

The image of a Sagittarian is of a carefree person lolling on a hillside, avoiding work, and frolicking the day away, and in 2009 you’ll certainly live up to that reputation. In fact, you’ll spend so much time avoiding work and frolicking that you’ll fall behind with your rent and have to spend the latter part of the year sleeping in a bus shelter, but with your cheerful disposition and ill-placed optimism, you’ll see the funny side.

A spiritual aspect of your character will emerge during the Autumn, and you’ll become convinced that you’re not alone in the house. Of course, who among us hasn’t, at some time in their lives, sensed the whispering of voices and an icy cold hand on the back of their neck? Not me, thank heavens, but some have.